Oh my ... who would believe we are already one quarter of the way through the new year ... and this is my first blog post of 2018!
It's taken me ages to get around to publishing this post - I've been thinking about what to write; procrastination has led to inaction. I've been scared to admit that I have been unwell. Everything that has happened in my life over the past couple of years or so finally caught up with me and I caved under the weight of complete overwhelm. Although it's been a part of my life (diagnosed at least) for over 20 years, it is still difficult to admit that I struggle with depression and anxiety. Someone said to me the other day that I shouldn't let it define me, and of course she was right but it got me to thinking, do I over-identify with it? If I let it rule my life completely and was unable to function at all then yes, that might be the case. However, I believe that I have come to an acceptance that this is a part of me, and I have to learn to manage it and most of all to love myself even with this 'shadow' aspect. A few years ago I remember saying to myself that I would never have depression again and that I would fight it with all my might ... and how did that work out? As you may have guessed, not that great, basically the more I resisted, the more it persisted! After a particularly nasty episode, I decided to walk towards it, and 'befriend' the anxiety and depression (I know how weird that sounds, but that's how it is), and since then I've come to more of an understanding of myself and how my mind works, I'm able to function and find a (stumbling) way through the mess. I still fall, but then I get up. If that's identifying with my depression, then I am happy to carry on.
What's really helped with me this time is my creativity - I've been making myself paint, even when I didn't feel like it and even if I felt my creations were awful! A fair few were scribbled over, ripped up and put in the bin, but maybe that was all part of the process. Now I feel like I'm coming out the other side, everything feels calmer and I'm actually enjoying the painting. I can tell you, forcing yourself to do the painting when you're not enjoying it is hard, but I'm glad I persevered. And admitting I was feeling sad and having a really good cry helped more than you can imagine!
Did any of that make sense at all? :)
What I'm trying to say is, I still feel a little heart-sore, my head is not working at full capacity, but like a toddler I'm finding my way. It feels good to be back, and I'm going to try and blog more as writing is another creative activity that makes my soul sing xxxx The sun is shining too.
love to everyone out there, wherever you are on your journey x
Larissa
PS The artworks are mine from the Lifebook 2018 lessons. You can still sign up to join - I think it's fab!
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